Mean Girls and the Art of Sabotage

“Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Regina George.”

— Ms. Norbury

Currently, I'm wrestling with my thoughts, struggling to gather the words to put together another post — one more in-depth and personal — similar to what i’m writing now. So, to fight the conveniently timed writer’s block, I figured it might be helpful to dive into a shortened version of the subject —the tangled web of "mean girls" —particularly how they tend to paint their victims as the villains by expertly manipulating their stories to appear innocent to everyone else and how the victim has to fight tooth and nail to be seen, heard, and valued.

Honestly, I should probably be an expert on this topic by now.

Throughout my educational career, I've crossed paths with more than a few mean girls, which I can’t help but think stems from my naturally reserved personality, dislike of confrontation, and limited social skills. Every time a conflict arose between a queen bee and me, these skilled manipulators managed to use their charm to twist the narrative, spreading rumors that I was "the mean one" or "she's such a bitch."

Maybe some of you will relate to the experiences i’m about to share. Let's see if it resonates.

Jane ERIN KIM and the Jenny’s

Unfortunately, this one will forever live in my brain, even when I don’t want it too.

While attending Jubilee church in Seoul, South Korea, I was seeking spiritual support to find the courage to confront my physically abusive grandfather. I chose this particular church because they offered a program that seemed to fit my needs. Unfortunately, I encountered a group of girls who seemed very focused on helping their “Queen Bee” pursue a relationship with one of our group leaders, Michael Stubley.

The situation became uncomfortable quickly. I felt unable to voice my concerns, as if doing so would “ruin the vibe.” Any attempts I made to address it were ignored or brushed aside to protect the Queen Bee-Jane Kim- reputation.

Every Sunday, these girls would hover around me to make sure I didn’t get too close to Michael. This was all while I was dealing with the psychological effects of past abuse. The idea of competing for someone’s attention, especially a man who shared the same body of my grandfather, was out of the question. I’m not the type to undermine others to have a secure seat next to a man, let alone contributing towards such a horrible environment at church.

But these girls went around spreading rumors that I was “mean” or “unfriendly,” all to boost their friend, Jane, image.

The entire experience was exhausting. I missed out on building genuine connections and the chance to share my story with someone who might have said, “I see you, I hear you, and I want to pray for you.” Instead, my attempt to confront my trauma was overshadowed by the desirability of some guy.

I’d like to dive into this experience more deeply, but I’ll save that for another post.

Trisha TRAN

Trisha was a former roommate of mine when I was studying abroad in Seoul, South Korea. We initially got along well because it was the first time we had a roommate, and we also shared a similar spiritual background. For Trisha, her mother is a Shaman. In my family, the women often have dreams that foreshadow important events, a trait known as being spiritually sensitive, which usually serves as a warning. Both of us have our own share of strange experiences.

However, as time went on, I started to feel increasingly uncomfortable with how openly she shared details of her sexual experiences. Admittedly, She didn’t realize that these stories were triggering for me, given my own history of sexual assault. I know I could have asked her to stop, but I struggled with confrontation at that time. I had recently dealt with someone who physically lashed out because my abuser couldn’t handle being wrong, so even small conflicts felt daunting. I don’t excuse my avoidance, but I’ve understood why I found it so difficult back then. As a result, I started distancing myself from her to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

Things escalated when she began taking photos of me without my permission and sharing them with people in our study abroad group. Soon after, she started spreading false stories about me, playing into the harmful stereotype of the ‘aggressive Black girl.’ People from our group approached me, saying I should be ‘ashamed’ of myself—yet, to this day, I don’t even know what she said to them to receive that response. —I was left dealing with gossip from people who readily accepted whatever they heard first.

Eboni DALMIDA and her IDIOCRACY.

I first crossed paths with Eboni during my time at Chili's, she didn’t stand out much to me at first. However, as time passed but things started to get pretty toxic over time. Eboni had an uncanny knack to make mean and unnecessary comments about her coworkers under her breath—a trait I quickly realized I despised.

After navigating Eboni's negativity for too long, I made the conscious choice to distance myself from her. I stopped engaging in casual conversations and focused on building connections with coworkers who brought positive energy to the workplace. Rather than moving on, she decided to pull everyone into her storm, making it everyone else's problem.

Let me be crystal clear: I believe in keeping my personal matters out of everyone's hair. I know firsthand how damaging workplace gossip can be. I never told anyone about her constant negative remarks— I simply chose to step aside from the unhealthy dynamic. I maintained my professionalism, collaborating when necessary and ensuring my interactions were respectful regardless of what I thought of her.

However, Eboni started spreading rumors, telling people that I was the one being mean and fake. She accused me of treating her differently from everyone else and even brought up an experience from a previous job in Florida, claiming that “light-skinned girls” had iced her out there, too. She implied that I was doing the same thing, attributing it to my supposed “privilege” as a lighter-skinned Black woman. (For the record, I’m not light-skinned, but I am lighter than her.)

No, Eboni. The issue isn’t my skin tone or my ‘privilege’—you’re just mean.

I wasn’t the only one who noticed her behavior. Eboni frequently took other servers' tables, acting as if she was superior and entitled to their sections. This created tension among the staff because it impacted others’ earnings.

When you constantly treat your coworkers as if they’re beneath you, what do you expect?

Eboni also displayed petty, bullying behaviors toward me. When I’d be waiting in the back for food orders, she’d walk past with an exaggerated attitude, as if trying to assert dominance. I’d often stand near the ice machine, and she’d approach with a huff, give me a cold stare, grab the ice, and walk away without a word.

She’d also walk up and down the aisle, muttering things like, “She’s so fake,” clearly trying to provoke me.

I’ve dealt with bullies before, and Eboni was no different from the insecure people who use intimidation to feel superior—think Bad Girls Club.

But here’s the thing: I value my professional reputation and clean record. I’ve worked with international organizations, and I can’t risk jeopardizing my career with a physical altercation.

Eboni was never, and will never be, worth it.

She would frequently say things like, “I hate these bitches at Chili’s. If my friends from Florida were here, things would be different.”

The negativity she spread was constant and exhausting.

Some people didn’t seem to mind Eboni’s behavior because they found her relatable. I can’t help but think it’s the same kind of appeal that draws people to figures like Donald Trump—someone who presents themselves as “real” and “authentic,” no matter how problematic their actions may be.

With Eboni’s influence, her little group started adopting the same toxic behaviors. They pretended to befriend me, not out of genuine interest, but to dig for personal information they could use against me.

For example, I’ve been open about the fact that I struggled with anger when I was younger. Why? Because I’m a survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault—two experiences that understandably left me with a lot of anger. But I never directed that anger toward anyone. Instead, I sought help, worked with therapists, and found healthy outlets like martial arts and fitness to manage my emotions.

Despite that, these girls took this piece of my past and twisted it, spreading rumors about my “anger issues” in an attempt to tarnish my reputation and make me seem like the aggressive one.

Honestly, all of them are trash.

They lack critical thinking skills and will to do whatever it takes to fit in, even if it means tearing others down.

Their mission was to make me feel hated and unwanted, to push me into depression and make me feel like Eboni did when she had to leave Florida because she couldn’t take responsibility for her actions.